What Happens When the Algorithm Kills Your Joy
PS: I'm back, did you miss me?
I’ve thought about writing this article for about three weeks. I’ve written this article probably 16 times in my head. There’s been a mental block for several months; no ideas could be properly teased out to my liking. Every snippet I wrote felt underdeveloped, forced, and an echo of something I had read or watched.
I don’t know where this came from. Actually, that’s a lie. I know exactly where this came from.
The app that shall not be named (TikTok).
Writing my weekly newsletter had me feeling creatively abundant. Likes trickled in, and the comments were infrequent but thoughtful. Every article was a tiny seed planted in a quiet garden. The change in pace felt like a balm to my overstimulated mind. Posting regularly was the exact type of exposure therapy to get over myself, out of my head, and into the ether.
Naturally, after three months of writing every week, I was feeling brave. I started posting journal prompts and my writing rituals on that gluttonous app, and my perspective of momentum shifted.
A beast called instant gratification
Growing a community that reads and supports my writing takes time. It took me four months to grow to where I am right now. Asking someone to read a whole article, every week, is a heavy ask. It’s personal and slow.
The opposite is true on the other app, and the growth looks very different. On TikTok, I gained the same number of followers in a matter of days. A few of my videos went viral. The stream of notifications—likes, comments, reposts—became constant.
All of a sudden, the peace and silence I associated with my newsletter started to sound like resentment. And rejection. So, I turned my back on this cozy corner.
I doubled down my creative efforts and time on the algorithm. I found myself propping up my phone every time I went to journal and only picking up a book to record myself reading. The “unplugged” content I was creating was the antithesis of how I felt. Because it was never enough. The feed is never satiated. Did you know that it’s recommended to post on TikTok 3 times a day to grow and increase your profile’s visibility?
Three. Videos. Every. Single. Day.
And we wonder how content creation became a full-time job. Because, well, it is.
Then, life and responsibilities (uhm hello, my 9-5 as a marketing executive, where all I do is write and create content for an organization and CEO) slowed me down. My views and likes dipped in kind. Feeling rejected, yet again, I returned to my journal. Returned to writing.
Nothing is a waste if the goal is the experience
Alyssa Liu has been living rent-free in my mind. Aside from her funky hair and wicked talent, I’ve been captivated by her radical zen (seriously, I need her therapist’s contact info). Specifically, this quote from an Olympics interview on whether she had her eyes set on a gold medal:
“I am connected to everything, but attached to nothing.”
Truly, I am not exaggerating when I say this altered my relationships with goals and dreams. The gold medal isn’t the point. The outcome is unrelated to the amount of work you put in to get there.
Connecting to my art—writing, junk journaling, processing my emotions, and feeling like a whole person—that’s the whole point. Not the number of views, growth metrics, and brand deals.
I started this newsletter because I wanted to take up space. I started posting on TikTok because taking up space feels good. Finding my edge, creatively, is exhilarating. As a deeply shy and anxious person, the confidence I’ve gained and continue to cultivate is worth its weight in gold.
My target audience is me
Now, diva, I’m not saying that I’m deleting all my apps and social media in favor of a more analogue life. My line of work requires me to be online, and social media isn’t all bad. Instagram is how I stay in the loop of flea markets and pop-up events happening in my community. Facebook allows me to keep up with out-of-state family. TikTok is fun and informative (mostly).
What I am saying is that I need to be more intentional about my consumption time, and I need to ensure that I am always creating more than I’m consuming. And creating with whimsy in mind. Yes, I’d love to have a long subscriber list and tens of thousands of followers on TikTok. Who wouldn’t? Truly, anyone who is saying otherwise is lying. But the goal should always be the experience. Becoming a stronger writer, a more compelling storyteller.
Shamefully, I still get twitchy every time I pick up my phone and open the app. I still internally hold my breath the first time I check my notifications after posting a video. Despite that, I’m not going to let any creator insights or analytics dashboard keep me down. The more I create, the less the metrics will matter.
After all, the most important metric to track is internal joy.
Think about it
Experts say that how much you read is directly related to how well you write. It’s me, I’m the expert. Don’t roll your eyes, this is my newsletter, and you chose to keep reading (and that’s on you; also, thanks for reading until the end). I found the more personal essays, columns, and books I read, the easier it became for me to sit down and write this. Here’s what really kicked my writing bug into high drive:
The following prompts give you, diva, the opportunity to muse throughout your week:
What’s one activity that used to bring you joy and now brings you dread?
Why?
How can you slowly invite joy back into that activity?
If you’re feeling brave, share your musing via a comment <3
This space is built in the margins of my full-time job. “Buy Me a Coffee” is my virtual tip jar, helping sustain the writing (and the writer) behind it.
Love this <3
She’s back !!!