Why won't it ever be enough?
how over-researching can keep you from doing
This past weekend, I took a big step forward in my yoga practice: an inversion and arm balance workshop. I signed up the Monday before, so I spent most of the week planning.
What I would wear. How I should do my hair. Which water bottle to bring. Where in the studio I’d roll my mat out. Exactly what time I should arrive before.
Then, I felt this insatiable desire to look up information on arm balance workshops.
Watch YouTube videos so I could anticipate what type of poses would be queued. Read blogs to see the likelihood of me getting called on to model a pose. Find the instructor on Instagram and see if she’s posted any of her workshops to her profile, so I can have a better idea of how many people will attend. Devour TikToks to make sure I was wearing the best outfit for arm balances (I oscillated between biker shorts and leggings for the better half of three days. I picked biker shorts, but should’ve picked leggings because my arms were so sweaty. Lesson learned).
I’m unraveled
The thing is, I’m not unfamiliar with yoga or even this particular studio. In fact, the workshop was led by my favorite instructor at the studio. I’ve been practicing yoga for nearly a decade, but never attended any “specialty” workshop because most arm balances still elude me.
Ridiculous, I know. Not going to the place to practice the thing, get help from an expert at the thing, until I’m good at the thing.
Unfortunately, this isn’t an unfamiliar spiral to me. Before I let myself do anything new, I research my way around actually doing it: get in shape before joining the running club, have a completed draft before attending the writing workshop, read the book and the next two in the series before going to book club to discuss book one, eat at the restaurant myself before suggesting it to the group for happy hour.
Gain the experience secondhand, so I can attempt to avoid feeling embarrassed firsthand. At what point is it too much? Because here’s the thing: information will never replace experience.
The instructor said it perfectly: “You paid to be here, so have fun. It’s just yoga after all.”
Do I think about myself too little? Too much?
Through years of therapy and dozens of filled journals, I made the big girl decision not to look up anything about the workshop. I decided to trust that my body and the grace I bring to the mat would be enough to get me through the workshop.
I also decided (through gritted teeth) that my intention for the workshop would be: let the embarrassment roll off of me.
Laugh with my neighbor when I fall out of a posture. When the instructor asks if anyone wants help or pointers, to raise my hand and say yes. Mess up and try again. Not feel guilt for not being perfect.
And, surprise to nobody except myself, I had a wonderful time.
There was no pointing or laughing at me. My hairstyle didn’t matter because I was so sweaty, I had to throw it up into a bun a dozen times. My outfit choice and location in the studio were essentially inconsequential.
All the worry went away the second I fell out of my first posture, and the woman next to me went, “You were so close; try again,” while clapping.
Mistakes are just new information
Now, diva, I’m not saying walk through life ill-prepared with nothing but a lip gloss and concepts of a plan. What I am saying is that sometimes the plan is to find out. Learn through doing. Gain a new perspective or insight or skill through the experience. Rewrite the plan over and over as you grow and adapt. Let the plan serve as the bumpers in your life rather than train tracks.
In a world where information is never-ending, every microdecision feels like it could derail everything. And the more time I spend chasing that microdecision down, the less time I actually spend running, writing, reading with the group, practicing the arm balance. If ignorance is bliss, is over-researching misery?
I’ve been listening to Olivia Rodrigo’s newest album on repeat. The Cure is my favorite song. The bridge, in particular, rattles around my head on repeat:
Why can’t you come stitch me up?
Why can’t it ever be enough?
It’s not enough
Sometimes, I turn to the world and ask for it to fix me. To give me enough information, so I can stop moving with so much fear. Serve me the research, tutorial, essay, vlog that will quell the butterfly in my belly.
But information alone will never be enough. The only way to overcome the fear of doing is by doing. Doing it for the first time because that’s allowed. We are all allowed to be beginners and try and try again.
Because guess what? We’re here, so let’s have fun. It’s just life, after all.
Think about it
This past weekend, I visited an art gallery in my hometown after reading the article below. It really made me stop and remember that art and inspiration is all around us. We just have to go outside to see it:
The following prompts give you, diva, the opportunity to muse throughout your week:
Where are you researching instead of doing?
What’s one thing you already know how to do that you’re still “preparing” for?
What would you try this week if you let yourself skip the research step?
If you’re feeling brave, share your musing via a comment <3
learning the most when I let myself play!!!
A great reminder to try new things / things you’re not good at :)